Constructive criticism, help!?

be careful using greek mythology (hades etc) without learning about it all. also, you have a lot of conversation. he said this, she said that, paragraph after paragraph. theres a lot you could cut out without losing any content. and make sure youreprecisee about what youre trying to get across. too much happening leaves the reader dizzy. simplify. anyway i think you could have something there underneath the chaos. i recommend finding an online (or actual book) about paragraph structure and storyline building etc. i bet you could find one easily on google.